Sunday, October 24, 2010

Random Ramblings- A Journal Entry

I traveled quite a bit this summer. From May to September I took 12 trips to various places around the country- to visit friends, attend weddings, and fulfill Alpha Gam roles. In August and September, I made 4 trips for Alpha Gam to visit chapters, establish a chapter and hopefully open a new chapter. I think I just wanted to get away from Eugene and so every opportunity that I had to get away, I did. Not that I didn't want to do all the things that I did. I love the time I spend on Alpha Gam. And, it wasn't that I wanted to get away from my husband. He is my rock. I was so frustrated in my job and with life in Eugene. I just wanted to get out and away from it all for a while.

My very last trip was to Walla Walla, Washington. Somewhere 30,000 feet above the Oregon/Washington border and farm land, I had the urge to write what all was rambling through my head. Looking back, I think it really is a reflection of my emotions at the time and helps me understand my decision making even if I couldn't at the time. I am about to really put myself out there and be very vulnerable. So....here goes.

"How I love to travel. No one can find me here. Call me. Email me. Text me. I can gaze out across the landscape. Rolling mountains, winding rivers, sun-kissed land. Quiet. Breathing.

Clearing my mind of the clutter that weighs it down. Insignificant clutter that clouds what is really important. How did I get so bogged down? Walked on and taken for granted. Always the volunteer, leader, or filling in the gap. This place just sucks you in like a black hole.

I wonder if the ants below feel the same way with all the farming, schooling, raising kids and crops.

And, why do I feel so angry? I think because it's out of my control most of the time. If I was in charge, I'd do this. Or that. Or if this would have been handled earlier. Oh, I drifted back to work. What is management versus leadership? What does that mean in a complex organization? Can I be a better leader? Can I make a change?

And back to that significant stuff. You know, my caring husband, amazing group of friends, and family anyone would die to have. How neglected do they feel? I put them last sometimes. I build off of their energy and love to go outwards. But at what cost? Thank God my husband gets me, knows me to my core.

How do I keep it under wraps, those feelings that I hide? Oh, look at that cute baby. I am so happy, yet so sad. I really want to have children. But how? Not now. Reward for finishing the degree? Ok. Sounds good. Now finish. Then you can follow the plan...baby by....oh wait. That's a bit more complicated. Will we be able to? What if we can't? I'm so old now. I sure hope. My heart depends on it. That bottled up desire to have a child."

3 comments:

Emilie said...

I love you Amber!!! You are not old. You are amazing and wonderful and talented. I feel so lucky everyday to have a cousin like you and I only hope that one day I can be even a little like you. I watch what you do and I see so much of what I want for my own life and you show me how to get that life. I love you!!!

Emilie

Amber G said...

Hello Sweet Cousin,
Thank you so much for your very kind words. I feel so lucky to have a cousin like you! Now I don't feel old. :) Love you back!

Karen said...

Oh dear Amber,

I could have written that last part of your post before I had Ryan. I remember the fear that I'd waited too long... that it wouldn't happen for us, or that the baby wouldn't be healthy.

I was 37 when I got pregnant (and it only took 3 months of trying!), 38 when I had him, and my OB said these days he doesn't bat an eye at a Mom's age unless it starts with a 4, and even then it's not that much cause for concern, maybe just a few extra tests and things. I can't remember how old you are, but I know you are younger than me, so maybe that can give you hope!

On the flip side, when my Mom found out she was (unexpectedly) pregnant with me, she was in the middle of working on her Ph.D. She still became Dr. Paulsell! So that's not necessarily a reason to hold off... as much as we like to think there is a perfect time when we'll be "ready" for a child, trust me, you are never really that ready! If you found out you were pregnant TODAY, I know that you would be a mommy AND finish your Ph.D. because that's just the kind of person you are!

Looking back, sometimes I think what if we had conceived at any other time than the exact moment we did? Ryan would not be Ryan, he would be someone else. And I can't imagine that! As much as we like to plan plan plan, control control control... some things are best left in God's hands and perfect timing. Have faith, friend! Love you!