I traveled quite a bit this summer. From May to September I took 12 trips to various places around the country- to visit friends, attend weddings, and fulfill Alpha Gam roles. In August and September, I made 4 trips for Alpha Gam to visit chapters, establish a chapter and hopefully open a new chapter. I think I just wanted to get away from Eugene and so every opportunity that I had to get away, I did. Not that I didn't want to do all the things that I did. I love the time I spend on Alpha Gam. And, it wasn't that I wanted to get away from my husband. He is my rock. I was so frustrated in my job and with life in Eugene. I just wanted to get out and away from it all for a while.
My very last trip was to Walla Walla, Washington. Somewhere 30,000 feet above the Oregon/Washington border and farm land, I had the urge to write what all was rambling through my head. Looking back, I think it really is a reflection of my emotions at the time and helps me understand my decision making even if I couldn't at the time. I am about to really put myself out there and be very vulnerable. So....here goes.
"How I love to travel. No one can find me here. Call me. Email me. Text me. I can gaze out across the landscape. Rolling mountains, winding rivers, sun-kissed land. Quiet. Breathing.
Clearing my mind of the clutter that weighs it down. Insignificant clutter that clouds what is really important. How did I get so bogged down? Walked on and taken for granted. Always the volunteer, leader, or filling in the gap. This place just sucks you in like a black hole.
I wonder if the ants below feel the same way with all the farming, schooling, raising kids and crops.
And, why do I feel so angry? I think because it's out of my control most of the time. If I was in charge, I'd do this. Or that. Or if this would have been handled earlier. Oh, I drifted back to work. What is management versus leadership? What does that mean in a complex organization? Can I be a better leader? Can I make a change?
And back to that significant stuff. You know, my caring husband, amazing group of friends, and family anyone would die to have. How neglected do they feel? I put them last sometimes. I build off of their energy and love to go outwards. But at what cost? Thank God my husband gets me, knows me to my core.
How do I keep it under wraps, those feelings that I hide? Oh, look at that cute baby. I am so happy, yet so sad. I really want to have children. But how? Not now. Reward for finishing the degree? Ok. Sounds good. Now finish. Then you can follow the plan...baby by....oh wait. That's a bit more complicated. Will we be able to? What if we can't? I'm so old now. I sure hope. My heart depends on it. That bottled up desire to have a child."